Since years ago, I was diagnosed with this impairment on hearing and it couldn't be cured in any way. The reason I didn't make use the help from hearing aids was because the stress it posed to my body and mind.

I have already got used to the environment with the "current" level of volume. Amplifying them is just like ripping off the balance and makes me feel extremely uncomfortable.

Anyway, I noticed that I have a tendency of not walking in a straight line. It's weird, as I didn't even realize that myself in the past until my friends pinpointed it out. (and of course, not under my own will). I believe the cause behind this is the disruption of our human's body balance which lies within our ears. I've forgot what's that called but we learned it in our form 3's science, I guess.

All of these time, I could feel the imbalance of pressure for both side of my ears. The right side always "feels" heavier as compared to the left, and it gets even worse recently.

I think that my hearing, especially my right ear, is worsening from day to day. Formerly 40% hearing loss for the left side, while 30% for the right side, I believe it should be around 50% by now.

Just thinking that if the situation continues on, I might be completely deaf before reaching the age of 55. Everytime I think about that, I find myself in fear of facing the upcoming truth.

It's really scary, thinking of the famous Beethoven who was a deaf. Failing to hear anything means an end to my life, I swear.

I'm very scared of being in either a very noisy room or completely silent room. Too many noises I couldn't hear a single thing clearly; too quiet and I'll face the immense pressure among the silence. I don't know how to explain this, but I guess I'm timid.

Like, 1 of the optional reason I always switch my computer on (beside my bed) is to have the "ngggrrrr" or what I called it "the-annoying-fan-noise" which is at least a few times louder than ordinary fans when my computer is in it's peak period. At least with this noise, I wouldn't feel the "silent" pressure to my ears and could sleep very well.

I've tried sleeping in a complete quiet room and I find it extremely hard to cope with the environment.

Oh yeah, and I'm very afraid that one day I couldn't hear my own voice anymore...so, please, bear with me. It's not that I want to speak out loudly sometimes. It just couldn't be controlled. I'd illustrate the situation the same way as when you're hearing to your mp3 or iPods, you will speak too loud if you didn't really pay attention to your voice's volume.

Right now, I could feel there's something stuck inside my right ear. Something which you feel when you're traveling to Genting Highlands or high mountains where you need to ease the change of pressure by using your mouth.

I need to do that constantly, more than you could've ever imagined. Everyday, every hour, every minute, and sometimes it hits the frequency of doing that every few seconds to ease the balance.

And I must admit that I'm jealous of people with good hearing. Though that I've been using computer for more than 8 hours a day since I was 10, and it's really weird that I still have a near-perfect eye sight, but what's so great about it? I'd rather wear a spectacles or contact lens rather than using a RM3k per piece of hearing aid. They sux anyway for imposing stress to my body, and I tell you, when I wear that I feel worn out faster than you say "Hey, wait a minute". I know it's the same for contact lens and perhaps glasses, but they're pretty exhausting too.

Either way, I gotta trade that by giving extra attention to any speech directed to me, and occasionally lecturer's voice.

Anyway, I'm not emo-ing or what. I'm just writing this down so that I'd mark my existence in this particular date.

The date which I still have a pair hearable ears. I'm...grateful that I could still hear your voices, friend's voices, parent's voices, and everyone's voices.

I'm glad.

Labels: Life Documentary