Well the long-waited holiday had finally begun, but I do not feel any contentment out of it. Ignored, as usual; I'm quite used to those kind of feelings though.

Just for the past few weeks (yeah, even during exams period), I had been injecting the addictive so-called 'painkiller' to myself all the time by infusing me myself along with my thoughts by playing games. It was a foolish way I spent my times on, but hell it worked perfectly but not for long.

The effect wore off just recently, and I'm kind of, desperately seeking for further remedies. Yes, I did thought of doing some writings. I went off to the fiction sites I had been always visiting and browsed some fictions. Hell, they were all perfectly written by so talented writers and my confidence just went straight down hills until I couldn't bring myself even to writing momentarily. Even worse, I had read through an article, such a bad and sad tradegy which makes me shed tears.

It seems the alternative would be watching animes. I see there were the four animes I begun downloading few weeks ago, which are >50% completed and it wouldn't be long I could share some of them happily with my friend.

Life is so tough, huh? I know I had been constantly reminiscening about my past. But...

Even so, today morning, well it's actually yesterday's, I had a dream, I think I was quite satisfied. Why? It was due to I had some warm concern from those whom I thought would never give a damn about me, and that's not her though. At least, it was him, someone who I actually impressed and also sort-of admire due to his multi-potential skills. He was way far beyond compared to such an idiot like me though (ops, why would I be comparing myself with him though, -.-'). I really wish that those could happen in reality, which seems so far away from my grasps.

Intelligence, I wasn't. And yet, there was a sentence which went through my heart yesterday. Well, it sounded more like a curse. I bet, half of his words are true somehow. It went right through my chest and make me felt despair again, which I avoided by simply sleeping and stay awake all night (yes, middle of the night) until I'm typing this post, at 9.19am straight.

A holiday, huh? Well it may be more like a jail to me.

And of one more thing, I'm really in a lost of thought. Felt like I'm being used, but I couldn't spill my true thoughts at her. Yes, it's a her though.I just don't know how to put it here, but it was something like...I'm pleasing her since I had done something wrong. Oh hell, when will it come to an end? Would I only be useful for being a tool? Wouldn't you come talking to me unless it's necessary? A conversation with her would just simply shrugged off by her in some simple ways, which saddened me even further.

Okay, that was whole-a-lot-of-crap. I bet you don't even understand 30% of it though, since I had wrote it in a way which people might find it slightly difficult to comprehend, thus so many people even hated to read those articles in my blog, lol.

Just blabbering some nonsenses, hopefully there will be people who would be even able to find the key to unlock the gate into my very heart.