Yeah, I'm actually a very selfish guy. Why do I say and critcize myself selfish? There'll surely be a reason, and I'm gonna tell them out...

As I told before about those crush I've on pretty girls, I do, and successfully control them. But they will easily pop out within my mind. I'm so selfish that because I've failed on my 2nd crush, I've to and my mind force myself to love someone else. Sometime I could feel those feeling grew stronger, but I'll try my best to hold them back. I don't want anyone to be her subsitute, or hurt anyone else (maybe I should say hurting myself more...) My brain and heart are different spesis. They didn't share them same thought; instead of that they've their own and unique thoughts, which mostly opposite of the others. My mind tell me to find a subsitute, but my heart declined me from doing so. Always, my heart won...But there is one time, my mind won...

I subconsciously, expressed my feeling to one of the girl, which is the possible target of my admiring crush. I feel so regret from doing so, and still I've to do something to take care of the situation. I now, I swear I'll try my best from letting the history repeat again. I'm just too selfish and stubborn, just thinking for my own good, while never stand on the other person's point of view...I'm also very sensitive. If someone treats me slightly better, I...It's just like a hope has blossomed in my heart. Gosh, this does happen always, and I'll need to take care of them. I'm tired, I don't want to keep doing these busy job everyday, everytime. I just...want to return to my old self...Is that's a tough request? I want to be a souless human, or perhaps heartless. I don't want to love anyone at all, it's just so suffering...

I wish there's a serum to inject to my blood veins to neutralise the poison which flowing around my blood circulation.