The time before I reach Form 5 is my Formal Self. I'll brieftly explain about it here. Before that, playing games is my life, I thought it's my destiny of life. Playing games, is just to win the others, gaining glory with it. I dreamt about being the best of the best, whenever I start playing a game, I'll be the ruler of the game.Recalling about those kind of thinking, I'll laugh softly at myself, thinking of how childish I am..

But for the one point which is good, I'm fully loaded with confidence. I believe in myself, I'll never lose if I trust myself enough. Now I damn envy of the confidence self of mine...Ignoring the communities, I'm the only one who is the most important, is what's been in my thinking. I rarely communicate with others, which I regrats now...Whenever I play a game, I'll do no matter what, to gain victory, losing is not an option for me. I'll ignore almost everyone, to fulfill my ownselves. Selfish thinking, isn't it.

Later, my second or newer self appear. Confidence, couldn't be search from this self. It's totaly crushed of, into dust. Always thinking of will failing, and yet the worst, HYPOCRITE is one of the attitude of this...I'm not kidding, if you know me deep enough, you'll found out, and eventually ignore me cos of that...

The good point is, I really do get, matured, and wiser through it. I know to see thing from different point of views (sometimes), and games get totally wiped out from my mind, just like deleting/removing it completely from my mind. Without game, I feel much more better.And also, the desperate for winning had disappear. Losing, isn't a bad thing though. We can still learn from losing, and analyze the mistake we've done, repairing it, upgrade ourselves.

I learnt to communicate with communities, and it's so fun to do so. I'd rather sacrifice my time playing game in chatting with friends, it's much more enjoyable than playing games.So, for me, I enjoy my newer self. It's much more better than my older and formal self. I didn't really feel sad cos of it, just hoping that I could lend some 'confidence' from my former self, to fill it on my newer self, then it'll be perfect.I know, confidence is we give ourselves, or build ourselves. But I can't really do that...You know, why I can't do that...

And also 1 thing...I really damn suffering from acting, pretend to be happy. Telling the truth, actually, within my heart, it's always feeling sad. It just that I've covered it up by forcing myself to laugh, smile, and pretend to be happy. Don't you though I'm a happy dude, actually I'm not...I've undergone a few thing that leave un-heal-able scars within my heart, that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

posted on January 26, 2006 8:43 AM