Okay, I'm here once again, dominate blogspot, and planning to rewrite my whole first crush article. Last time I wrote it, it's probably in some kind of 'poorer' version english of mine. Now, without doubt my english had improved slightly, and it'll be much better if I rewrite it. =P

Form 5...In my memories, it's just a totally disaster year for me. 3 'major' events had take place, and all of them hurt me deeply. Disaster, Terror, Sad, Sorrows, all come at once during the year of doomsday - 2005. To be frank, I've never actually happy ever since my first crush. The fake smile that appears on my face does looks alike I'm happy, but deep within me, I'm just maybe crawling on the ground, while tear streaming down from my eyes, crying as loud as I could.

Okay, time for some boring story-telling, about my first crush. Around March of the Year 2005, I've found out that I've a crush on a girl I knew for around four years. She's just directly beside of my class. That time I only found that I deeply love in her, or maybe the crush had start to blaze within my heart ever since form 2, but I just never dare to admit it, cos I maybe just too shy.This is the first time I fell in love to a girl, excluding my first 'admiring' crush that had actually haunted me from standard 4 till form 5...Since she had a boyfriend at the moment, I didn't really want to tell her anything about the crush at all, just want her to be happy wif her current boyfriend.But...

One sad day, which is April's Fool that day, a very important event takes place. I went to my friend's house, and go watched a movie with them. Before the movie starts, we have our seats outside the cinema. We're talking some craps, and waiting time passes. Of all sudden, my friend's girlfriend, snatched my h/p from my hand, and phoned her (she knows I've a crush on her though). I tried to get back my h/p but I'm blocked by humans. Eventually, it connects, and she starts to talk with her (and also, they know each other quite well). After a brief talks with her, she hands back me the h/p, and suggest me to tell her my feeling to her straight forward. I take the h/p from her, and heard it's really her, connected. That time, my mind was almost as blank as a paper, and I blushed deeply, and bad enough until my face are as red as a mad bull, lolx. Don't know what to say, I just follow my friend's advice, tell her my true feelings. After taking a deep breathes, I spill out the three magical words - I love you, for my first time to a girl! She was shocked, and something like terrified after hearing I told her I love her. Taking some time to calm her down, later she continue on the talk with me on phone, and asked me a question which caused me...to be something like scare, or afraid after that. She asked, :"Why do you love me?" That time, I could tell you that I'm just like a guideless puppet. I don't know what to say, and accidently, I give her a wrong and silliest reply, :"You're the girl I knew for most long." Oh My Gosh! I really cannot believe I said something like this, I'm so shy, and confused at that moment. It's really terror...After hearing my reply, she called me to close the phone, and phone her back after few hours. I do as she wished, and went in for the movies with my friends. The time for me to phone her back after a few hours had finally comes. I phone her desperately when I reached my friend's house, and she picked. I asked her what her reply, and probably, this is the one of the saddest moment of mine for this year. I can't really remember how painful she had rejected me, but for conclusion she had rejected me, and tell me don't love her. The time had been paused when I heard she rejected me, wants to cry, or wants to suicide? I don't know. Nevertheless, I buried those feeling within me so that I'll not cry in front of my friends, and act to be 'strong'. *Actually, she maybe though I joked on her since I've told her I love her at the day APRIL'S FOOL*

So, this is the beginning of my experience of my first crush, on year 2005.

Back to my normal life at my secondary school...

One of my friend who knows I've got a crush on her, had probably do something similiar to 'betray'. He told his friends; while his friends start doing their job. They begin to spread rumors throughout the whole form 5. It really a NIGHTMARE for me, some more the rumors doesn't fade at all, instead of that they grew stronger, and wider from day to day. Within a few days, almost the whole form know that I'd a crush on her, everyone will now keep asking me whether it's true or not, every time I meet them. Thinking that I'm maybe the one who is the one who starts to spread the rumors since she'd rejected me in the first place, and knowing that I'm still in love with her; she starts to avoid me. This is a really really...bad nightmare. A girl avoiding a boy just like she saw a ghost? Running for her life! It hurts me much, and I become extremely sad for that. Eventually, some of my friends came to me and suggest me to stop loving her, since loving her will make both parties suffers, why not let it end? I've take their suggestion, and thought about this thing for a few days, or week; which I came out with a conclusion eventually. I'd choose to suffer myself rather than making both parties suffer. I've successfully burried the feeling within my heart, and don't want to dig it out anymore. I declared to the public that I don't like her anymore.

As for the result, the gosip about me starts to fade out. A miracle happens, she slowly, starts to treat me back as one of her friends, just like the time before I told her I like her. Until now, we're still friends. But after the appearance...