The Forsaken
The world revolves around us, with or without my existence.. Searching for the right person..The bearer of the silent requiem..
67% Leo |
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okay, I'm here to do something lame and maybe meaningless, which is promote my favourite singer's songs....xD
Song Name : Now That She's Gone
girl you know i miss you so
i didn't know you had to go
you've had enough of our distance baby
before i had the chance to say
i'm staying with you
for the rest of my life
don't keep telling me these words
you don't know how much it hurts
and i'll promise you eternity
if you promise me your stay
but now it's too late
i'm no longer the man that i was
i will go on without her
like a fool who's too sure
i'm like a brid who's lost her wing
a fire without its flame
i don't know how to be strong
when my love has to move on
i am a song without a soul
now that she's gone
what's left of us is this song
don't keep telling me these words oh no
you don't know how much it hurts
and i'll promise you eternity
if you promise me your stay
but now it's too late
i'm no longer the man that i was
i will go on without her
like a fool who's too sure
i'm like a brid who's lost her wing
a fire without its flame
i don't know how to be strong
when my love has to move on
i am a song without a soul
now that she's gone
what's left of us is this song
oh yes i know i don't know
baby i am konw i'am a foul
and i will go on without her
like a fool who's too sure
i'm like a brid who's lost her wing
a fire without its flame
i don't know how to be strong
when my love has to move on
i am a song without a soul
now that she's gone
what's left of us is this song
this is our song without a soul
now that you're gone
what's left of us in this song
*Now that she's gone, is a new song sing by JJ, one of the two english song in his new album. You know, this song is so nice, the lyrics are so touching, and meaningful. It'll mostly appears as the song which I like the most in his new album...
Song Name : Down
I can't believe it
Tell me I'm dreaming
That we are still "we"
It was amazing
Said you were lucky
That you found me
It was on a rainy day that we met
You didn't have a place to go
I said we just met so lets go slow but no
You just told me to keep you from the cold
Sorry I can't take it
Why did you fake it
Why did we kiss
And I'm just down
You left me with a note without a sound
I figured I must have been such a child
You'll never know how much I've been around
How my heart just frowns
If you're down
I'll be your teddy bear
I'll be your clown
I'll take you round and round and
If you don't mind I could be your standing ground
Even if that means I'd drown
And baby, that'll be my one last vow
*Down...It's always the situation of my, every single hours, minutes, and also seconds...If you're down, I want to be your teddy bear, I want to be your clown, which takes you round and round. I'm willing to be your standing ground even it's will drown me...Would you give me a chance if you're reading this post?
Haiz sad case...I can't publish other chinese song he got in his new album...All of them are nice and superb...T_T...What I can say that it's a really nice album of JJ...A lot nice songs, which I can't stop myself from hearing them...If I can, I do wish I can sing all his songs haha...But too bad, I can't xD...I love ya forever, JJ & your songs!
*Update, I just bought JJ's new album! It's really nice, he looks so nice! And those lyrics all are so good, almost perfect suiting my feelings, but just a few of them...Sarang Heyo, means I love you...I love you forever and ever...I'll only tell you "Sarang Heyo", and you'll be the one I always love...
~:Sarang Heyo:~
Yeah, my second crush appears around June or July. To be frank, it actually still blazing with strong fires within my heart until now, I still love her so deeply, and don't want the feel to her fade away so easily...
Okay, let's get another story-telling started. it's about June or July right now, and I'm still busy and trying my best to paralyze myself by fusing my thoughts with an online game. I played the game from day to night, night to day; or it's better to say I play the game whenever I'm at home, without rest at all. By doing this, I could make myself about her temporary, just for a short period, which is better than nothing. Weeks and weeks passed, and there's come a 'Darkness+Sorrow' week, which is a pure nightmare for me. It devours my thoughts, feels, and whatever related to me, causing me to be something like a...lifeless puppet. I've to apologize here cause the memories around that single week had been probably been devoured and erased from my mind without my permission. Barely, I could still remember, I've been a really tiring guy for the whole week. I never had enough sleep, and sometime I could still get a sleep for the whole day! Even when I'm in school, I'll probably ignore the community, and fall asleep on the desk whenever teacher is teaching. I'm just something more similiar to a living/walking corpse.
Something I'd like to add, after I've my first crush on the girl, I start to become a sad guy, which have no confident to self. I've undergone and know what the true meaning and the true feeling of pain, and too, heart crush, shatter, pain...etc...
Month passed again, and my school, Catholic High School is going to have their one-year-onced Sports Day. My class's gang, had planned an evil scheme, which is we all decided to skip the 'Sports Day', and overnight at one of our friend's house, since none of us had taken part in the upcoming sport events, and we don't want to get incinerated by the burning sun tommorow. It's a quite large number of us in our friend's house. We're just like having a party there =P...That night, it's one of my memorable night, which I meet someone 'special' to my life. One of the guys went online using MSN. As soon as he's online, he starts his conversation with the 'special' someone to me, a girl from my class, and let's name her 'her' only. Actually, I didn't really talk to this girl although she's in the same class with me for 2 years; since she's those quiet type girl, and something like anti-socialise. I found that it's quite interesting from the conversation of her with my friend, and eventually, I dominated the computer, signed in my msn, and added her to my list. It's the first time I've been in so happy after I've been rejected by the girl I've first crushed on. Having a conversation with her at the moment is extremely wonderful, and I feel so comfortable talking with her. I could feel some special feelings had blaze out from my heart. At first, I'm confused by this feeling, and after a very very long observe from normal classes, and time, I confirmed that the type of feeling to her is exactly a new crush, my second crush. My heart at the moment, couldn't withstand myself from loving two girls at once, had forced me to make a decision, either to continue love the girl of my first crush; or give up first crush, while go for the new crush. I think and repeat the same question within my mind for a few days, and eventually, I made up my decision. I'll give up my first crush, and focus myself on the new one. Duh...It's kinda a bad decision. Oh Yeah, and it works! With this decision, I forget and terminate the feeling to the girl of my first crush, almost instantly; while leaving the feeling to the new crush starts to burn stronger and stronger. Nevertheless in class, I start to notice about her appearance. She turning to be more and more and more beautiful from my sights every time I look at her. At the same time, I've choosen three people to share my feelings with, and had them to guide me to what I should do and do not.They're Lixin, Szeming, and the last one is Demin. Days and days passed, I feel more in love with her.
August, should be a happy month for me, since my birthday are coming soon; but it turns out to be a sad month in the end. Another nightmare arises, which is my close friends at that time, Demin had be a busy-body, had told her that I love her. Later, Demin copied his conversation with her to the chatbox, and send them to me for reading. I could see a few words which pierced through the flesh of my heart, and crushed my leftover confidence completely. I saw a few sentence like, "He's not my type", "Will never accept hm for all the reason of the world, at all" etc...These words are fully-spiked. They stabbed and attached themselves on my heart, causing me great pain from time to time. Without any choice, I know I can't be too sad at that moment, I've done another stupid decision. I choose to trying to tell a 'lie' to myself, comforting self to regain confidence, and hoping that I can do something to change her point of view, to accept me in the end. So, my plan to tell her on the friday, the 19th of Friday about my feeling to her had been a failure after all.
September, it's a semi-busy month, since everyone is going to prepare for their Spm Trials, included her. Although I'm also a bit busy, but I'm still looking forward for the day of her birthday. I've counted, or should I say countdown her birthday from day to day. Eventually, that day reached. I've prepared a lovely, fluffy, and cute rabbit doll (I like it, it's so cute!), and a birthday card for her. Before and on that day, I've get quite a number of people to sign on the card for her, to wish her happy birthday. With such intentions, my classmates could easily guess that I've a crush on her. I stuck the doll into my beg, and take them to school though. Halfway of the day, my friends had pulled me and along with the others, we sang a melodious birthday songs to her, wishing her happy birthday. The doom is near, our test had finished (the day of her birthday, we're still having our trial exam!). I manage to hold her back for few minutes, take out the cute doll from my beg, and hand it over to her. On the time I'm going to hand her the doll, my heart bumps and pumps darn fast, and my blood are boiling. It caused both of my ears turn extremely red at the moment. I forced myself to give the doll to her by holding back my shy-ness, and I succed. She accpeted, and not long after that, both of my pet sis along with xiang reached my class. They too, greet her happy birthday, while xiang gave her a nice-looking picture he drawn himself (thanks ya, xiang!). You know, she one of our Pastry Family's member. Our family consist of the members of Chicken Pie, Creampuff, EggTart, Pizza, Pancake, Donut, and at last and not the least, the Cupcake. She's the lovely Cupcake; while I'm the Funny Chicken Pie. She thanked everyone of us before she departs back to her home, which I watched her slowly fades and vanished from my eye sights. Clement then told me something that make me feel more shy, which is, :"You know, you didn't blush just now, but instead of that, your ears turns damn red; while she too, blushes." Yeah whatever, I know whenever I'm nervous, my ears will turn red instead of my face normally, so it's obvious to know that I'm blushing or feeling shy or not.
After the incident during her birthday, more and more people within our class knows that I love her. It soon becomes a hot topic among them. More and more rumors occurs within our class, and causing chaos to us. Eventually, one of the guy, siting just in front of her, had come to me and asked a question which had stunned me completely. He asked me whether I love her or not. I don't know what answer should I give him, and I tend to be confused again. My friends are around me at the moment, heard that too, and they know about it long time ago. They advised me that I must admit about it, and I follwed what they said, cause I know it's not something wrong if I fall in love to a girl though. But, this is kinda a great mistake I've done. He do promised me that he'll not tell anyone, but after he knows that I love her, strange things start to happen. The rumors getting worse, and we oftens become jokes for them, causing them to laugh. Oh yeah what, you want to laugh just laugh until you die I also doesn't mind, as long as you all don't hurt her please...That only my little demand...Okay, a few days or week after that, this is really really a NIGHTMARE. Our class had went to ABM room to watch a movie, titled "?" (sorry i've forget about the name). Some parts in the story, there's show a male guy, is flirting a female girl romantincly. In my mind, I do wish I'm the boy while she's the girl, but that doesn't help. Whisteling sounds could be heard around the class, and one of the guy in my class approached his chair to mine, and asked, :"You should flirt 'her' just exactly what he done." or something like that; with a quite high voice. The whole class heard what he said, and you know the corrupted-brain guys in our class starting to laugh and keep bugging me to do as the show done, and they're ready to crack a beer, sitting on their comfortable chair, to watch some interesting 'scene'. NO WAY! What the hell they're thinking! I'll be gladly do that if I'm her boyfriend, but I'm not! I'll never do such thing, NEVER AND NEVER! I rejected, and tried my best to vanish from the crowd, to prevent them from further joking/talking. Barely, I could see her blush slightly from the embaressment.
A lot craps right? Let's fast forwards a bit until after SPM. I've actually lost a few opportunities to tell her my feelings, and now I swear I regret I didn't cherish the chance I've before. The chance for us to meet again is almost 0%. I tried to go Ming's house for our class gathering to tell her my feeling but she didn't went; She went to Genting Highland for our class's trip, but I can't go! WTH...Fate is really playing a fool on me...Nevertheless, nowadays she's studying happily in Taylor's College, with a bunch of hot, handsome, cute guys probably chasing after her; while...while I'm in Sunway University College, sobbing, crying though...Maybe I should take Adrian's words. He said, :"If you love someone, there's no need to obtain her. As long as she feels happy, that's already more than enough." Yeah, he's right. I think I'll not force her, and let it be; but one thing I can still confirm, I'll still be loving her deeply. I don't mind to sacrifice anything for you. When you're down, I'll be your teddy bear, I'll be your clown, which make the sweet smile occurs on your face once again. Your adorable smile is the best gift to me.Somemore there's one thing more...Ever since after she knows I like her, the conversation between mine and her, had totally ruined. It'll never be as effective as the time before she don't know I like her. Communicating with her right now is kinda suffering. I can't talk properly and effectively with her, compared to the others. We're just like two different world livings, one from Earth, one from Mars, communicating with two type of totally different languages, and cannot understand each other properly. Sad, I wish I can communicate well with her, and have some enjoyable conversation.
There are actually a lot more thing which I can write, but I think it's way too long already, and I should stop now...
Yeah, many readers do know who the girl is. If you're reading this blog...I do hope that it can at least change a bit, of something...I don't mean that I want you to feel sorry or whatever, just want you to know what am I thinking only...I don't really like to keep things deep within me, for the exceptional of a few special cases...I wish I could tell you all my feeling from mouth to mouth...I love you...This 3 words had been a sealed word from my mouth ever since I get rejected for first time, cause I scare I sputter the wrong thing again, and get rejected...
This will be probably be the longest blog of mine. Every features and everything within this articles are real. I just write out what I think and feel. Hope you all won't fall asleep from reading this long, and yet boring blog...
Okay, I'm here once again, dominate blogspot, and planning to rewrite my whole first crush article. Last time I wrote it, it's probably in some kind of 'poorer' version english of mine. Now, without doubt my english had improved slightly, and it'll be much better if I rewrite it. =P
Form 5...In my memories, it's just a totally disaster year for me. 3 'major' events had take place, and all of them hurt me deeply. Disaster, Terror, Sad, Sorrows, all come at once during the year of doomsday - 2005. To be frank, I've never actually happy ever since my first crush. The fake smile that appears on my face does looks alike I'm happy, but deep within me, I'm just maybe crawling on the ground, while tear streaming down from my eyes, crying as loud as I could.
Okay, time for some boring story-telling, about my first crush. Around March of the Year 2005, I've found out that I've a crush on a girl I knew for around four years. She's just directly beside of my class. That time I only found that I deeply love in her, or maybe the crush had start to blaze within my heart ever since form 2, but I just never dare to admit it, cos I maybe just too shy.This is the first time I fell in love to a girl, excluding my first 'admiring' crush that had actually haunted me from standard 4 till form 5...Since she had a boyfriend at the moment, I didn't really want to tell her anything about the crush at all, just want her to be happy wif her current boyfriend.But...
One sad day, which is April's Fool that day, a very important event takes place. I went to my friend's house, and go watched a movie with them. Before the movie starts, we have our seats outside the cinema. We're talking some craps, and waiting time passes. Of all sudden, my friend's girlfriend, snatched my h/p from my hand, and phoned her (she knows I've a crush on her though). I tried to get back my h/p but I'm blocked by humans. Eventually, it connects, and she starts to talk with her (and also, they know each other quite well). After a brief talks with her, she hands back me the h/p, and suggest me to tell her my feeling to her straight forward. I take the h/p from her, and heard it's really her, connected. That time, my mind was almost as blank as a paper, and I blushed deeply, and bad enough until my face are as red as a mad bull, lolx. Don't know what to say, I just follow my friend's advice, tell her my true feelings. After taking a deep breathes, I spill out the three magical words - I love you, for my first time to a girl! She was shocked, and something like terrified after hearing I told her I love her. Taking some time to calm her down, later she continue on the talk with me on phone, and asked me a question which caused me...to be something like scare, or afraid after that. She asked, :"Why do you love me?" That time, I could tell you that I'm just like a guideless puppet. I don't know what to say, and accidently, I give her a wrong and silliest reply, :"You're the girl I knew for most long." Oh My Gosh! I really cannot believe I said something like this, I'm so shy, and confused at that moment. It's really terror...After hearing my reply, she called me to close the phone, and phone her back after few hours. I do as she wished, and went in for the movies with my friends. The time for me to phone her back after a few hours had finally comes. I phone her desperately when I reached my friend's house, and she picked. I asked her what her reply, and probably, this is the one of the saddest moment of mine for this year. I can't really remember how painful she had rejected me, but for conclusion she had rejected me, and tell me don't love her. The time had been paused when I heard she rejected me, wants to cry, or wants to suicide? I don't know. Nevertheless, I buried those feeling within me so that I'll not cry in front of my friends, and act to be 'strong'. *Actually, she maybe though I joked on her since I've told her I love her at the day APRIL'S FOOL*
So, this is the beginning of my experience of my first crush, on year 2005.
Back to my normal life at my secondary school...
One of my friend who knows I've got a crush on her, had probably do something similiar to 'betray'. He told his friends; while his friends start doing their job. They begin to spread rumors throughout the whole form 5. It really a NIGHTMARE for me, some more the rumors doesn't fade at all, instead of that they grew stronger, and wider from day to day. Within a few days, almost the whole form know that I'd a crush on her, everyone will now keep asking me whether it's true or not, every time I meet them. Thinking that I'm maybe the one who is the one who starts to spread the rumors since she'd rejected me in the first place, and knowing that I'm still in love with her; she starts to avoid me. This is a really really...bad nightmare. A girl avoiding a boy just like she saw a ghost? Running for her life! It hurts me much, and I become extremely sad for that. Eventually, some of my friends came to me and suggest me to stop loving her, since loving her will make both parties suffers, why not let it end? I've take their suggestion, and thought about this thing for a few days, or week; which I came out with a conclusion eventually. I'd choose to suffer myself rather than making both parties suffer. I've successfully burried the feeling within my heart, and don't want to dig it out anymore. I declared to the public that I don't like her anymore.
As for the result, the gosip about me starts to fade out. A miracle happens, she slowly, starts to treat me back as one of her friends, just like the time before I told her I like her. Until now, we're still friends. But after the appearance...
But...Before I get started with the article about my first crush , I shall announced a few 'happy' things I've encountered throughout the years.
The most important among all, I've get total of 3 pet sis this year! That's quite a lot already for me =P They're Karin, Donut/Ariel, and Yue Ying.
Karin, a girl I've met from playing Ts Online. With some really funny reasons, she become my first pet sis, my first pet sis through my life.(Sorry cos I can't really remember how she become my pet sis...) That time I'm just simply a game freak, everyday focused myself on leveling, and didn't really talk much with her, feel so sorry to her though...With the blessed from the god of luck, through Hiyuki - one of my friend, I found that she actually study in the same secondary school same as I. Since she's the same school as mine, I've asked for her real name, and class, then went to search for her around her class. The first time I've met her still fresh within my memories, which is when I'm standing outside her class, a girl suddenly comes to me and say 'Hi gor'. I was shocked, and soon regain conscious, and found that she's Karin, lolx...funny right? As days passes, our relationship grew stronger, and I've tried my best to treat her just like my real sister. It's so fun to have her as my pet sis, and I never regret off it. Hopefully she won't mind to have a lousy bro like me ^^...Let's just summarize it, she's a good girl, cute and beauitful at the same time, and tends to be a bit darker than the normal girls (no offence lolx, don't kill me when you see this)...Overall she's just nice, a good partner to talk and chat with. But sometime she can turns quite evil, so beware.../gg xD
Next, it's the dear dear n lovely donut. Donut, delicious eh. She's an insane girl which I know through my 1st pet sis, Karin. Blur is the first word to come out when you saw her, followed up by cute, and funny. Furthermore there's something more, which is she's nice to BULLY! At the beginning we just talk like normal guys n girls. As time passes, the way we talk become more and more insane! Until now, it's almost 90% full with junks in our conversation, haha...But nice to talk with. Halfway through, she asked me, or I asked her to be my pet sis I had already forgotten, but who cares, she's one of my pet sis though ^^. She tends to share quite a number of same interests with me, and we can talk non-stop without doubt. Sometime she's kinda pityful, cos always get pranked and bullied by me bad enough xD...Overall, just another nice girl like Karin, nice and fun to have her as my pet sis too...
And lastly, my last pet sis...She's Yue Ying. This girl is a happy, and open-mind girl. She's quite friendly though, until she can mix with me this kind of people nicely..haha...What to say more...I really tend to have poor memory, and end up forgetting things easily...So sad...What to do...T_T...
Friendship, is another thing that I've gained. I've know the real meaning what's a friendship is through my dear friends, from 5sF2. They're all nice guys, they teaches me what a friend for, treat my like a true friends, helps me whenever I'll need them.Subconsciously, when I feel into darkness, a few guys/friends of mine tends to raise their hands out, to grip me out from the darkness, before I get overwhelmed. Here I need to say thanks to the few of them which are : Sze Ming, De Min, Guo Xiang, Hoh Geap, Chen Loong, Khai Mun, Aaron, Clement, Yew Theng, and tons more...Just really appreciate all your helps, and I hope our friendship will last forever.
Kinda lazy to write any longer more...Cos it turns to be boring already...haha...Time to end ba, I'll continue to the article about my first crush...
Actually, there are quite a number of people said that I'm a happy guy, cos I almost laugh every seconds whenever I'm with friends, or the sad faces never appear on my face...Yeah, without doubt, I can say that I like to be happy, or smile anytime I can...I don't want any of my friends worry about me...My acting skills are nice and looks like proffesional, right? I think maybe there are none of them knows about this thing if I didn't write here or tell them...My acting skills had totally covered up all of them *keke*
But.....deep within my heart, I'm almost sad at anytime...The feel of sorrow, depress, I'm already used to it. They pay visit to me very often; while I always try my best to cover up them by doing some 'fake' smiles It's hard to cover up sad faces, I can confirm about that...It's just like u feeling to cry, but you must hold you tears, while make a cheerful smile appears on your face. Tough, isnt it?The laugh you see from my face now, they're rarely the laughter come out from my heart; most of them are just...
Try to be cheerful, or more opstimistic? Yeah, it's just something wrong again...You can't be cheerful all the time, with the problems and sad things haunting you to anywhere you are. Even if you manage to do so, it's just last for a very very short period. It's doesn't last for long, I can confirm that; except you get the problem fixed, and be happy once again. For me, I still got quite a number of problems which bothering me, and I don't know when only I could fix these problems.
How long will this continue? I'm really tired and exhausted already...Feeling like giving up this heavy burden of acting from my shoulder...I'm looking forward the day...I could put down all these burden down, and cry or scream out as loud as I want. It'll probably helps me...
posted on February 16, 2006 7:08 AM
This month...it's kinda sucked up...everything is not going to my way at all...it's just like everything is purposely set to oppose me, be an obstacle on my ways...
I've slowly turned into a lazy bump again...haih...I lazy to move and think, my brain is getting rusty, and...I just kinda like starting to give up my life already...The darkness which once engulfs me had return again, it's bad news, and I don't know how am I actually going to fight it...It maybe created by some stress, or maybe something else, which I don't want to mention out here...
I'm tired of this life...I'm getting worn-out, full with fatigue, and my body turns numb...Feelings are paralyzed, thinking is turning frozen now...Why is this happening?...It's turning seriously, normally I'll have the mood to write story/blog everyday, or a few days once...But now it's almost five days already, and I'm still lazy to do anything at all.
Getting lazy and lazier...I should stop here...Minds are turning blank or my ideas will gone in a few seconds if I didn't write them out right here...
posted on February 15, 2006 7:11 AM
They're sucks man. It's the best words to describe for what they've done.Are all backstabbers so free? Keep talking bad things about someone behind them, and spreading rumors.Hey, can't those backstabber stop it? If you all are so free just save up your time, do something more benefit. You think you're perfect? Go die la! Everyone got their strength and weakness, you can only talk about the bads of someone IF you're PERFECT, ya PERFECT without any bads or mistakes done.Do anything we do make a change to your life? IT DIDN'T. We live our life ourselves, and it doesn't affect you at ALL. SO just mind your own business, DON'T be so busy-body!Keep talking about bads about someone, do it change a thing at all? If you all want just go forwards to the guy/girl and tell them what you think bad about them, let them know and they'll probably change. Don't just whispers those words behind them just like a chicken, it's just a waste of time.
If the backstabbers get lost themselves from the world, it'll be a lot, and tons more peaceful. Maybe a lot misunderstandings will not occurs, and arguments could be decreased.If I'm given a sharp blade, I'll slash and cut off the throats of those annoying backstabbers with it, without any hesitate.
I'm quite sorry for being, slightly too rude...I really hate those annoying backstabbers. They're just like obstacles or flies which keep annoy us only, without helping us at all. My life is annoyed by one 'backstabber' since young, and every time I know that he/she is backstabbing me again, I get really pissed off.Actually I do feel like smashing he/her into pieces but I know I can't do that. Anything, I just hope he/she can directly tell me what I've done wrong only. Just don't spread rumors about me around, and causes people to misunderstand me.
*To my friends, actually the one who backstabbing me is not either one of you, haha...is someone close to me - but not gf! HAHA...Don't misunderstand me.../gg...*
posted on February 11, 2006 7:43 AM
I've found that I maybe kinda 'immune' to those kind of 'wounds' already...Whenever I face them now, I hardly or will not cry out at all. I'm telling the truth, but those things are replaced by something which are more painful - Heart Aches
As I said before, Heart Aches will occurs anytime, mostly when I feel depress, or think about 'something'. Yesterday, I was taken down by a few strokes of heart aches, at least argh...10-15. Seriously they're quite painful man...10-15 leh! Darn pain until I almost can't breath, it's just like my heart about to crash/shatter again. Nowaday, my 'super glue' is running out, and I've no any extra of them at all, so what should I do now? Probably it'll used up really really soon, and I must start to devise for a plan, A.S.A.P
Love is such a bitter thing. For me, I've gain both good and bad from it. I've learnt to be more caring, I think? Learn to care about other people's feelings more compared to my older self? That time I'd probably do something without hesitation or thinking; but now I will think at least a bit before taking action. In the same time, I know, and without doubt I've grown up during the process. I can claim that I had grown matured a lot lorh (don't say I don't want face =P). And at last, I can get a small or some explaination for love, which I misunderstand the meaning of it when I'm small. Last time when I'm in primary, my only crush there which last until form 2 or form 5, is probably some 'admiring crush'. I just get attrached by her physical but not her inner, I think. But after my first and second crush in form 5, I've know what is call love a bit. Although I still don't know the meaning of love in my thinking maybe will be wrong, but I wish I can get a proper answer for it soon. With improved thinking, I've freed myself from playing games nowadays. In my home, I'll probably play less than 5 hours game a week, surprise isn't it, compared to my time spent on playing game last time which is abt...more than 70 hours per week I think...haha...xDAnyway, I still get something bad from it though. As I said before, Heart Ache is one of them. I don't want explaint about it already, cause I just keep repeating about it, over and over again...Mainly, the bads I receive mostly is pain. Heartaches, heart crush, tears, depress, and whatever...This is the true meaning of inner pain which I experienced. I didn't even touch them before I start to love someone eh...The goods are a lot more compared to the bad right? Yeah, that's why I didn't really regrats from doing so. It makes me learn to see the world from different angles? haha...think so...and teaches me a lot thing la, =P
Okay, a lot craps right? The main point of writing this blog is I'm still figuring whether I am telling a lie to self, or it's a truth? For me, I don't really think I've immunized myself from those 'wounds'. What I'm sure is I can or have a easier/better time to overcome these problem.
Don't know what to say more. I think I should stop. Mostly 70-80% things I've typed here are craps...If continue, I'll write more craps haha...Tommorow is my class gathering, and I hope I'll have a nice day...blek =P
posted on February 10, 2006 5:15 AM
Yeah, once again the depress feeling returns again...I also not really know why it's happening, but mainly is the old reason...
to tell a truth, for last & this month, there are maybe new crushes had appears? I can't really confirm that...After a deep thinking of few days, I still can 100% confirm that the feel to 'her' is still quite strong compared to others, and I'm not really willing to let the others overid it...Stupid choice right? Why I choose to continue suffer?I know I'm not a handsome guy, or a perfect or nice guy...I can't confirm that I can treat someone really nice, but I just want to try be in relationship only at least once, to learn a few things...I just want to learn to care someone I love more, I want to know the feel when in relation, I just want to improve myself...and other reasons more....is that that hard???
sometime I do really wish that I could be as attrachtive as those gangsters...they're cool, handsome, and nevertheless, they do get a lot attrachions from girls. A lot girls tend to like them, I still can't figure out the main reason...
One more thing...=.='.....I think better don't write it out, keep it secret is what should I do instead of writing it out...
Don't know what to do, now feel so depress, and feeling like continue writing my story...Too bad I'm out of idea right now...haiz...The story kinda = my life...I love it...Just like my source of life? and mental food? haha....nevermind don't care me I'm just crapping only...
posted on February 9, 2006 4:33 AM
Okay, my class is going to have a class gathering really really soon, which is this Saturday, about 2 and half days from now. You know, class gathering will probably consists of my whole form 5sf2 class friends last time, and there's a chance for 'her' going.Sorry cos I didn't identify 'her' name out. I don't want to mention that, cos I don't want to hurt her at all cost...
Yeah, I do hope she'll be going, and I've an oppurtunity to tell her my true feeling. I've lost two chances previously, and I hope I really can do it this time.Not I don't want, but I can't really confirm that she's going. Every time even there's gathering, she'll rarely show herself out.The chance of meet her during the class gathering is already very low; if multiple it with the chance of I'll sucess, probably equals to 0% already...
Haiz...I really don't know what to say now. What I'm sure now is I still loving her, without any doubt. If 'you' are reading this blog, don't be surprise? And hopefully you'll attend it, and give me a single chance...I don't deserve that much though...hehe....
posted on February 8, 2006 4:42 AM
A few days ago, I've talked wif my friend about the fate and believe problem. And I agree with what he's saying.
He said, fate is unchangeable. Actually, it's just something like choosing routes, for our life. When we're borned, we got a lot routes which we can choose only one of them to follow, while abond the others. But once we choose the route, we'll totaly follow the path, and the path is kinda...unchangeable. That's is one thing I missed out, which is one of the key terms.
Although there's some explaination changed, but I'm still agree with Fate is stronger/more important than Believe. Believe is just a fixing tool though.
Hmm, got something which I'm still thinking, I can't really write out cause I don't know how to write...=P
posted on February 5, 2006 3:52 AM
The story that I've created, which I love it very much, had almost completed, approximately 80%+ with some major parts which is still unfinished. Tommorow, or sooner I'll be going my friend's house, to stay for about 6 days, and hopefully I can finish editing/polishing the main story, and post it on websites after that, so that I can get reviews from the fellow readers xD...Until now, I've still not yet get any names for the story, and Hopefully I can think of a name very very soon.
Actually, I've been thinking for the next part of my story, which is the Part 2. Since today afternoon I'm free, so I've a serious think about it, and finally came out with the idea I'm going to start it now. I've a rough plot now, which I feel not bad already, and is going to improve it more as time passes. What I wish is I could write more things related to romance in the Part 2, but I can't really do so. I never been in any relation before, and I couldn't imagine or describe out those feelings at all. What I could describe is how's the feeling when in a crush on someone. Haiz...
Still got much more to go, I still need to squeeze ideas out from my mind.
Hopefully, when my story published on the web, it'll get some reviews, so that I can know what's wrong with myself, and try to correct it. And hopes there's really got people appreciate it, cause I've spent quite long time and lots of efforts on it.
posted on January 30, 2006 9:47 AM
Yeah, why would I say so? Keep believing, and eventually you'll success. This is what humans normally say. Do you all agree with it?
For me, at the beginning, I do agree with it. Since my second crush, the word 'keep beliving' keep floating on my mind, telling me that 'if I believe enough, eventually I'll get the desire result'. And so, I follow what my mind had instructed, and keep believing that if I believe enough, I'll success in my 'quest'.After she first know I've a crush on her at August, that time she rejected me 'unofficialy'. My confidence was crushed that time, but my mind, it give me mentally supporting. 'Keep believing' is what I should do. I thought, 'I must keep on believing, and in the end, I may have chance her point of view, and accept me.'Following the words, I have drew up my weapon, stood up from the ground, to continue for the battle, once again, to battle with every enemies, and crushed every obstacles that blocking my path.The words 'keep believing' are just like mental food to me, to give me confidence.
Days and days passes. My efforts were all in vain, I can't really change a thing at all. Why can't I change a thing at all?After a long period of thinking, I've come out with an answer.'Keep Believing' are wrong. Sometimes, even if we believe enough, we'll not success also, this is all because another word which prove to be stronger than 'believe', which is 'Fate'.Fate, is something set by the heavens, or Gods. Once we born, and landed on this cruel world, our paths had been set already. We need to follow that path, to continue our life, and at the end of the path, or reaching the dead end, it's the end.Scattered our own paths, there's is uncountable deeps holes, which could block us from advancing, or causing us injuries. That's the time for the word 'believing' prove to be useful. 'Believe' enough, and it's a tool used to repair, or fill the holes. Without believing, the holes will never get fixed, and we'll never got a chance off passing it.Every steps we've taken on our path will make us grow up, slightly. We need keep advance, and we'll slowly be more and more mature.
Fate, and Believe is two words that will be important to our life. But fate, is more important than believing. It's just like, if you're fated with your ideal partner, not matter what happened between both of you, you two will be together until the end of your life, and for forever also. In the other hand, if you and the one you love, have no fate, no matter how hard you tried, you'll not make a change at all. Believe will also not help much. That's why Fate is much more important than Believe, but both words work as important roles for us all.Yeah, some people may say 'Fate is on our hands, and we're the one who will change it'It's not totally wrong, and yet also not totally right. Not all conditions, or situation we could apply this phrase into it. If a girl does not loves you, not matter how hard you tried to change, you'll not success.
From now onwards, I'll not stop believing, but is don't believe too much. If you believe too much, in the end you're the only one who'll get deeply suffer, and hurt.
Fate and Believe both still abstract words for me, I'm still thinking and finding a best explantion for them.But...Fate vs Believe. I'll choose fate.
posted on January 28, 2006 12:10 AM
For this week in college, I know I've changed quite a lot. During this week, I've express myself out to the community, joining them. Eventually, I meet quite a great number of new friends. For example, last week my msn only got about 3-6 friends from college, while now I got about 25+, so big difference right?
Furthermore, shockingly, I've quite a great number of girl gender friends. Compared to secondary, secondary's just like too little compared to now. For my surprise, I found that mostly, or all the girls in college are open-minded. They're a LOT more easier to communicate, and crapping with them, I really do have fun be-friend with them XD.Especially a girl same class as me, Adelee /gg...she's so nice to bully, everyday I enjoy crapping with her, and also Bully, am I a bad boy? Haha...
And also, I've become good friend with a guy name Daniel, on the second day we know each other. Fast, isn't it? I also quite shocked for the short period for us to become kinda like good friends. He's a nice guy, and I'll place my faith on him as always. Nevertheless, I still have some fearful feeling within me, scare to get betrayed again...I really feel sorry for having such feeling towards him...I'm sorry, Daniel...
Whole class had calling me 'chao sui wong', mainly cos I always mix up and talk with girls. Yeah, I admit it, I love to talk with girls, if I didn't talk with them I'll feel bored to dead. Not bad huh? Now I got a lot more nicknames, with approximately 6 of them with the title 'King' and 1 of them with the title 'Lord', so funny right? haha....
Thursday, after my CAT classes, we've a long break before LAN class. Me and my fellow classmates, had went for a lunch and Sunway Pyramid together. During the lunch, a girl and I introduced ourselves to each other. She's quite a cute girl xD...But something I need to say sorry. When we're in the cinema, the girl - Pei Li, and I, or should I say I'm the one who keep talking with her, had caused distrupt to the others. I want to grab this oppurtunity to apologize to the others, from my mistakes.
For conclusion, I found that my college's life is SO interesting. Before that I think I got say I'll maybe ignore the community but now...It's totaly the opposite of what I've said. Hypocrite, right?...I don't know...Sometime I can't really control myself from doing something...Now I just hope that everything will be smooth, I don't really hope a 'major' event will suddenly pop out and make me suicide.
Chinese New Year is about 8 hours from now, for my time here GMT+8.Nothing much for me to do, just another boring CNY. Hopefully Wednesday or Thursday will reach faster, cause I want go and overnight in my friend's house, until Sunday xD...
posted on January 27, 2006 11:48 PM
The time before I reach Form 5 is my Formal Self. I'll brieftly explain about it here. Before that, playing games is my life, I thought it's my destiny of life. Playing games, is just to win the others, gaining glory with it. I dreamt about being the best of the best, whenever I start playing a game, I'll be the ruler of the game.Recalling about those kind of thinking, I'll laugh softly at myself, thinking of how childish I am..
But for the one point which is good, I'm fully loaded with confidence. I believe in myself, I'll never lose if I trust myself enough. Now I damn envy of the confidence self of mine...Ignoring the communities, I'm the only one who is the most important, is what's been in my thinking. I rarely communicate with others, which I regrats now...Whenever I play a game, I'll do no matter what, to gain victory, losing is not an option for me. I'll ignore almost everyone, to fulfill my ownselves. Selfish thinking, isn't it.
Later, my second or newer self appear. Confidence, couldn't be search from this self. It's totaly crushed of, into dust. Always thinking of will failing, and yet the worst, HYPOCRITE is one of the attitude of this...I'm not kidding, if you know me deep enough, you'll found out, and eventually ignore me cos of that...
The good point is, I really do get, matured, and wiser through it. I know to see thing from different point of views (sometimes), and games get totally wiped out from my mind, just like deleting/removing it completely from my mind. Without game, I feel much more better.And also, the desperate for winning had disappear. Losing, isn't a bad thing though. We can still learn from losing, and analyze the mistake we've done, repairing it, upgrade ourselves.
I learnt to communicate with communities, and it's so fun to do so. I'd rather sacrifice my time playing game in chatting with friends, it's much more enjoyable than playing games.So, for me, I enjoy my newer self. It's much more better than my older and formal self. I didn't really feel sad cos of it, just hoping that I could lend some 'confidence' from my former self, to fill it on my newer self, then it'll be perfect.I know, confidence is we give ourselves, or build ourselves. But I can't really do that...You know, why I can't do that...
And also 1 thing...I really damn suffering from acting, pretend to be happy. Telling the truth, actually, within my heart, it's always feeling sad. It just that I've covered it up by forcing myself to laugh, smile, and pretend to be happy. Don't you though I'm a happy dude, actually I'm not...I've undergone a few thing that leave un-heal-able scars within my heart, that will haunt me for the rest of my life.
posted on January 26, 2006 8:43 AM
What is actually a heart aching? or what the proper words to describe the feel? I cannot really identifies it...
Before the three 'major' events happened, my life is completely happy, confidence, or should I say I don't know what's a true pain is.Ever since that happen, I relized that pain, is such suffering. It's not an abstract word to me anymore, cause at any time, any where, I could suddenly get a heart ache. This does not means that I've a heart attack, it's just like your heart suddenly feel damn pain. To describe the pain, it'll be like my heart, get pierced suddenly by thousand needles; soon it get stomped by something as heavy as an elephant; and nevertheless, it shattered into pieces.Funny is it? Every of these heart aches event is Seriously not nice, it's just like ending your life right now, is much more better.
My college life had begun for quite some time, and something unique happens, which I'll never thought of that...And also, the heart aches which used to less a lot, after since a long time which lx didn't really, or I should say her images fades slowly within my mind. I Don't Want It To Happen At All Cost! I Love Her, I'm Sure About That!I don't know why? My good side, and bad side are battling each others, fighting over 'something'. Seems like, the bad side going to win, and I'll probably get dominated by it.Don't really know what to say...Just like my thinkings and thoughts clashing once again. It's driving me insane.
*Ugh..* I get two continous heart aches just now. Aww...it's darn pain...When will this...chaos ends?
posted on January 26, 2006 8:13 AM
ok, I'm just here to express some of my feelings. Wo Ni De Shou, is a song sang by one of my favorite singer, Guang Liang. Direct translate for the song name is 'Holding Your Hands'. It can be said the song I love the most, since it's the most touching among all of them. Sometime, when I'm sad and hearing the song, tears could burst out from my eyes...I know, a male shouldn't cry so easily, but I really can't withstand that sometimes when I hearing this song.
A few weeks before or during SPM, I've got my single opportunity to watch the music video of this song. Not surprised, the music video is really touching. Let me recall some memories about that video. Hmm...I remembered that in the video, looks like guang liang's girlfriend (shud b), had died due to some reason. Even though his girlfriend is dead, he's still love her so deeply, until he gets himself make a puppet, or something reassemble his girlfriend. Days and days, he keep on making the puppet, without much sleep, drink, or eat (I think so), and soon his physical appearance changed a lot. It can be see that he didn't shave, and get himself look very messy.Throughout the video, his memories are all recalled, and as time pass, I could see his memories are being saved/taken down into photographs, in black and white. I not really know how to explain that, kinda sorry T_T...Finally, he finished created the puppet. It look just exactly like his girlfriend. During the end of the video, I can't really remembered clearly, but what's still fresh within my mind is, the lifeless puppet, do have tears rolling down from her eye lashes, this should means that the girl get touched by the deep love guang liang to her.
Sorry for poor explaination, but I really can't remember the scenes within the video clearly, that's what I quite upset of.In the same time, I would wish that I can have the opportunity to rewatch this video, it's really damn touching. For the love between couples, that is so deep. I don't care it's original or pirated, I just want rewatch it...T_T *sad sad*lame topic, huh? Sorry for bothering any1 who's reading this...